Waste Time Efficiently

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Walker - The Greatest American Hero


When watching full episodes of Walker Texas Ranger, its almost impossible to take in the full scope of what an accomplishment it is. Created by Paul Haggis, director of CRASH, W.T.R. takes the same no-apologies approach to dealing with the serious social issues of our time...by ROUNDHOUSING THEM! There is no problem to great, no situation to complicated, that Walker cannot solve with a good round house kick to the face.

And how about that opening theme song? Did you know it was written and sung by none other the Chuck Norris himself? The man is a modern day Michelangelo!

Here's the wikiPedia breakdown of reoccurring elements:
  • Walker performs a Roundhouse Kick to the villain's face as a last move that usually defeats the victim immediately. The shot of Walker kicking his adversary is then rapidly repeated, twice, from different angles.
  • The kidnapping of assistant district attorney, Alex Cahill.
  • Walker taking part in undercover operations, with the aim of getting evidence to convict the antagonists' leader.
  • The antagonists' leader attempting to leave town or temporarily close down their illegal operations to avoid being arrested by Walker or his associates
  • Walker talking to or interacting with animals — staring them down to prevent them from attacking, directing them to do complex tasks, or using their knowledge for his benefit.
  • A vacationing Walker (or an associate) inadvertently stumbling upon an illicit enterprise that requires Walker's intervention and the ultimate destruction of said enterprise; the climax often comes just before Walker returns to his post in Dallas.
  • Paranormal or mystical phenomena, including but not limited to: ghosts of Native Americans directing Walker towards clues; the ghost of Hayes Cooper, legendary Texas Ranger, leading Walker to buried treasure; the ghost of an old Native American shaman striking Walker with a lightning bolt and transporting him hundreds of years into the past.
  • Troubled children or teens overcoming the odds with Walker's assistance. In various episodes, this has included: Juan, a boxing prodigy whose father beats him and his mother (and later kills himself and the mother when driving drunk) ("Golden Boy", season 9); Chad Morgan, a young telekinetic who is institutionalized so that his abilities can be measured and tested ("Brainchild", season 6); a boot camp for delinquent 18-21 year-olds that Walker and Trivette run ("Mr. Justice, season 6); a child (guest star Haley Joel Osment) whose drug-addicted mother led to his being infected with a deadly strain of AIDS ("Lucas 1 and 2");and the Kick Drugs Out of America program, an after school martial-arts class run by Walker to encourage kids to stay out of trouble.
  • Dual plot lines involving a legendary Texas Ranger of the Old West, Hayes Cooper (also played by Norris). Other Walker regulars have performed dual roles in these episodes, although some were only able to appear in them just once.
  • The majority of the antagonists fight against Walker and his friends or regular police officers when they are declared to be under arrest, and the majority of criminals and law enforcement personnel are also shown as accomplished kick boxers/martial artists.
  • Walker arriving just in time to save someone, or to arrest criminals.
  • The episode often ends with a lighthearted moment in which the main characters exchange jokes and have a good laugh at C.D.'s Bar. This is commonly concluded with a camera still of Walker and/or another character laughing which subsequently fades to black before the credits roll.
And how about that opening theme song? Did you know it was written and sung by none other the Chuck Norris himself? The man is a modern day Michelangelo!



I mean yes! This shit fucking rules! Walker!

"in the eyes of the ranger the unsuspecting stranger had better know the truth of wrong from right."

'cause that's where the Rangers gonna be.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Enlightenment: The Ultimate Sport

What is a sport? Sporticians have asked themselves this question for decades.

Some drew the line at field hockey, others have gone as far as apple bobbing.

The fact is most things in life can be called a game. From picking up the opposite sex (or 'scoring') to making the most money out of all your friends (or 'winning').

But there is no winning the game of trying to figure out what is a game.
There is no lines, no out of bounds. Just one big grey area of maybe-ness.

So my question is this: is self-realization a sport? And if so, can I win it?

Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a Jedi. When I found out that eastern religion through Joseph Campbell inspired George Lucas, I then wanted to be a Samurai. I gave that up when I found out it would take a lot of work. Then I found out about non-dual philosophy. Which is great because it cuts all the work out of the whole self-realization thing. Abiding in infinite awareness is the ULTIMATE VICTORY in the ULTIMATE GAME: enlightenment.

Yes. I've heard about that shit! Just because I'm an wealthy jock son of a banker part time stockbroker. Doesn't mean that I can't read a little bit of "siddartha" in college and think: Yeah, I guess I'll have to do that someday.

Well fortunately for me and all of my internet friends out there. I've found the video that will get you enlightened INSTANTLY.

Ive watched it. I get it. I win and I am the same as you Buddha! Eat it Herman Hesse!

I have posted it here.

Turns out I had it figured out all along. I don't know anything! I tottatlly already knew that.

Well Friends, the Sporting Gentleman is a changed Gentleman. He know longer wishes to challenge anyone to a fight in anything, anytime, anyplace. He (me) no longer wishes to see the enemy of my enemy dead by the hand of my other enemies. I don't even know if I'll ever compete in competition, ever again.

Why should I when I've already won and lost every game that has ever been played or not played? This non-dual stuff is great!

So enjoy this video. (Stick around for the end.)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

What Are Bloopers?

Is it just someone getting hurt really badly? Or is there more? The Sporting Gentleman Investigates.

Yes the blooper. Ever since time immoral man has laughed at the misfortune of others. Yes, as long as it didn't happen to us, it was funny. But sports bloopers are sometimes just poor plays like own goals, or forgetting which basket is yours.

And often they must be punctuated by funny sounds like: "dooup!" or "boing!" or "brrowmp!" so that we the viewer know that what we're seeing is funny and therefore we laugh.

Now, I have no problem with funny sounds. Hell, I love them. But are they a requirement for the blooper reel? And why do so many blooper reels just have people putting shitty goth songs over some average plays in slow motion? Experts disagree, and the debate contiues.

Yes it seems that we may never have a writ in stone definition of what bloopers are. All we know is that they are funny, they usually involve someone getting seriously hurt or at least humiliating themselves horribly, and they sometimes have funny sounds.

What have we learned here today?

Yes. Not much. But we have wasted some time, and I think thats pretty okay. So keep doing stupid stuff on camera. And someone will keep putting it in slow motion to a rap song and hopefully adding some funny SFX in there, and the world will keep having bloopers.

With Bloop,
TSG

The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown Down!

THE SPORTING GENTLEMAN ISSUES A CHALLENGE AND A WARNING TO ALL OTHER AVATARS ON BOOMCHICAGO.TV:

There's a new sherif(sp?) in town. And his name is SPORTING! And his last name is GENTLEMAN! But you can call him "THE"!

The world of sport. What a place! Yes the thrill of compilations, and agony of losing like a loser. The knowledge that you have to be the very best, to best your competitor. And everyone is your competitor in the world.

PERsonallly, I my attitude is: fuck you. I refuse to lose. If I lose, then you cheated. CHEATER! Don't touch me!

Aghm.
About me: I am a man. First and foremost. I lead with my penis.
I also love sweaters around my shoulders and watching girls play field hockey.
My favorite sport is Basketball and my favorite team is the Portland Trailblazers. (No ODEN jokes you bitches. He'll be back!)

But I will watch anything where men sweat and try to beat each other off--the dribble. Footie. Ping Pong. Video games.
NO CRICKET! That shit doesn't make anysensewhatsoever.

In the spirit of competition I am starting this content channel by issuing a content challenge to our content current champion.
I challenge you WAKEBAKEANDFLAKE to best me in a CONTENT-OFF. You choose 5 videos and I will choose 5. And we will see who gets the most "views".

Get your head from out of your bong-water wet dreams. I am throwing the gauntlet DOWN sir...whoever you may be.

Accept my challenge: or be labeled a coward and a CHEAT and a little bitch. By MOI (which means ME in French--just so you know!)

But I also challenge any and all other of you avatars. BRING THE PAIN!

I vow to receive your pain AND THEN BRING MORE TO YOU!

YES world. THE SPORT HAS BEGUN!

NOW FEAST YOUR EYE-BRAINS ON THIS SPORTING CONTENT!

Welcome To Class

The Sporting gentleman is your stop for sports related clips. But it is also so much more. The content will be sports-themed. But the Sporting Gentleman enjoys all things "classy", a video can and will be featured on his page simply because the Sporting Gentleman has deemed it: classy.
What is classy? Only the sporting gentleman knows for sure. If something is classy, then he'll know it when he sees it.
The sporting gentleman is the avatar other avatars want to be, and other girl avatars want to be with.
The sporting gentleman will also blog on a variety of issues. From who's being classy in sports, to who's being classy in politics.
Sporting gentleman's CLASSY METER wont pass judgment on who it will pass judgment on. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
For example: Mustaches= classy, Beards= not classy. And so on.